I’m supposed to be sleeping

I did, in fact, put myself to bed about 10 minutes ago. But as I lay there, looking at one of my bedside books Savor, I began to think about all the different kinds of stress in my life. In the past, one of the things that helped me to get to sleep was to write down all the things I needed to do – sort of a to do list for the next day – but really more of a “get it out of my head and on the paper” kind of list that was supposed to stop the thoughts from spinning endlessly in my head.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes I journal, and getting those thoughts out helps too. But lately I find that blogging has become something like a journal for me, and so, here I am. I actually think late at night is the perfect time for blogging, both reading and writing. I know it isn’t late now, but since I feel like I ought to bed in bed, it feels late enough.

But back to my stressors. I have so many these days that they need categories. And sub categories. Money, for instance is a common stressor. And I can easily claim it for myself. My money stressors fall into different categories. One category would be Immediate Financial Difficulties, like the idea that a check might bounce or a payment might be late. My bank balance used to live there, and in those days, it was kind of a minor stressor. These days, though, generally that is not where my balance lives, and so the slightest chance that it might happen feels much bigger. Anther category would be Consumer Debt – all that money I owe that is accumulating interest at an absurd rate which is directly related to last year’s break up.

That stress is more of a “stupid, stupid, stupid!” kind of stress wherein I say nasty things to myself about the issue. I have ridiculous student loan debt (with a much lower interest rate) that feels more inevitable than stupid, and at this point is a very minor stress (as it is not in repayment).

I have Billing stress which is related both to work and money and is a very high stressor these days because it feels pretty big and if I don’t get it under control, well, I don’t get paid. Which would add to the Immediate Financial Difficulties….

I thought I had more categories for money, but I guess that’s really it.

Then I have graduate school stressors, in order of lowest to highest – stupid poster board presentation, stupid final paper, methodology section to my dissertation, IRB forms for my dissertation, internship application, military application…

Which leads to the OMG I need to “release” (this is my attempt to fix the very imprecise language set-up that we usually use – if you “lose” weight, doesn’t that imply that you will “find” it again someday?) some weight for the military stress. This is a stressor as changing body weight always is – and has the added benefit of needing to do it because your (oh, hey, here it is) Financial health is directly related to it. Also, it seems so wrong to me that I would get into better shape for the military. Everyone knows you are supposed to do it for yourself, right? Not for vanity, but for health. Not for your job, but because you feel better…blah blah blah.

In a nutshell, the average internship will pay about $18,000. I have to manage all my stupid consumer debt and my mortgage on that amount WHILE living in a different state (and so needing to pay rent) with my large dog (ch-ching – add that to the regular rent) who is part Rottweiler (ch-ch-ching) and not being able to do any work on the side. IF the Army takes me…well, the rate of pay is considerably higher, I can stay very cheaply on the military, eventually there is a possibility of student loan repayment…uh, yeah. I kinda feel like everything hangs on this.

Meanwhile, the truth is even if I were svelte (which I shall never be) this is no guarantee that the military will take me. So, yeah, that just leads back to all the other financial worries again.

And this doesn’t even touch the relationship stuff!

I gotta get some sleep.


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