I’m thinking about “private blogging” again. Here is the thing: I wonder, from time to time, why I am blogging? And for whom? Mostly the answer is that I am blogging for myself. It feels a lot like journaling to me, and I think I gain many of the same benefits I might gain from journaling, except that I can actually read these accounts long after I write them.
I started a second blog recently, one that I publicize on (gasp) facebook. This one I started specifically to get help for those crazy vet bills I talked about here. I wanted to raise money to help me pay those bills, and I wanted to make it very easy for people. So I set up a new wordpress blog and dedicated it to the dog and his health issues. I put a sweet little PayPal button on it so that people could donate even if they weren’t going to see me soon or if they were far away. Don’t hate, I needed the help.
Several people were actually reading the blog, and so even though he seems to have passed through the scariest part of his heat stroke related problems, I keep posting there. The posts are real – I am not digging for topics or having trouble coming up with things. They are mostly related to the dog, albeit sometimes in a kind of roundabout way. They are pretty safe – there is nothing there that makes me too vulnerable or too crazy. What I mean to say is that while I am not censoring anything that I am writing there, I am censoring my topics before I even begin. I try not to do that here. What I want to do here is to be totally transparent, to allow myself to be free.
The thing is…I like seeing that people are reading my posts. I like thinking that what I am saying is getting out into the world. It’s an old, old dream of mine to be a writer and while I write for myself here, I wouldn’t mind if some one else was reading it. And further I’d love to think that I had provoked some thought or some conversation. But what I am writing there is so…tame…so…careful…so…bland. Every time I see that a whopping 14 hits to that blog I smile. But I kind of wish that people were reading this, too.
I looked over the posts here today, and I am willing to admit there is nothing amazing, nothing earth shattering, no fireworks. But as a friend wrote on her blog – who cares? It is still great to imagine other people reading it…
These posts are different from those because here I am my true self, my whole self. And when I read my friend’s blog, I believe that about her writing there. And I am honored to read it, glad to know her that way. Again, the other blog is still me, but it’s just a part of me. The part of me that isn’t out all the way is the part that gets out here. And I want to share that part too! Am I ready to come out of the closet with this blog? Am I ready to let people see what I am writing/thinking about?