Yes, I know I still have an open post out there, hanging in limbo, waiting to be posted, but I won’t be finishing it today. Today, I woke up to The Big D, depression.
I have had the symptoms of depression for about 10 years now and some days are just better than others. Today it is likely that the weather is seriously influencing my mood. It is a grey day in Minnesota, and while that may not seem like a big deal to those of you who live in places where there are four seasons each year, Minnesota is “different.” I could do an entire blog of my use of the word “different” just there, but I will save that for another day. What you need to know about Minnesota is that once winter really comes on, the grey days stay and stay.
Long time Minnesotans will tell you how the weather isn’t as cold as it used to be and how the drifts used to close the highways. I have been here 10 years and even I have noticed that winters are not as cold now as they were when I first got here, but none of that changes the fact of the grey days.
Grey days in Minnesota can seriously go on for weeks, I am not kidding. The sky can get overcast and just stay that way. I mean, one grey day, ok, no problem. A couple of cloudy, rainy days, you can just cuddle up and stay inside. But a week of them? That’s enough to kick the motive out of my vation.
So today, you say, is just one grey day, right? But it is September, remember, and for Minnesotans, that means winter is very close. When I went outside today around noon and looked up at that grey sky, something inside me wilted.
I am coming back to finish this after a couple of sunny days. After I thought I was all done with this post I realized that I never even get to the point of my post. The reason I started this post was to reiterate the idea that when you are feeling depressed, it is difficult to do things that will help you. After skipping my run I felt bad most of the day – partly because of the weather, yes – but also partly because I was feeling a bit guilty about not running, some old tape about being a lazy person. Also, I knew that if I had run, I would have probably felt better. Running is a great antidepressant for me, I usually feel good about myself and my day after a run. I feel strong and capable – even after a difficult run! So, I wake up on a grey day and am unable to make myself do something that I know will make myself feel better.
That’s what I came to say. But then I got completely fixated by the grey day. Weird, huh?