Listen, child

anything-can-be

I went to see a new OB/Gyn doc today.

This story actually begins a couple of years ago, when I became super anemic and was hospitalized briefly. I discovered that fibroids were the culprit, after which I realized that if I was ever going to have a baby of “my own” I needed to get serious about my process.

me eating baby
I was cute, right?

Let me just say that I’m not accustomed to failure. I mean, of course I have struggled in my life, but for many goals it looked something like this:

Success

Naturally there are goals which could not be managed with this formula (i.e. relationships) but I have set many goals which, by and large, I managed to reach. I am a good reader and a fast learner, and know how to dedicate myself to something and work hard. AND I have been graced throughout my life by people who showed up at just the right time, by jobs that seemed to fall into my lap, and by situations that worked out better than anyone expected.

So, when I decided to completely commit to getting pregnant, I did all the right things. Some things I was already doing, which made me feel like I was winning from the beginning. I already drink no soda or caffeinated beverages. I eat lots of whole foods direct from the farmer’s market. I don’t eat much bread or almost any processed food. I don’t drink alcohol and I work out regularly. I use few chemicals in my house and almost no product on my hair or body. Hooray for me! Now was the time to double down. I stopped eating sugar, cut out soy and started taking prenatal vitamins. I read books (of course). I started checking out Crossfit and increased my running. I did acupuncture and even some kind of massage for preparing your womb. I’m not even kidding.

fertility massage

Finally, I went to the docs and started a modified IVF process. I wasn’t working a 9-5 at the time and so HAD to make it to any scheduled gigs (or not get paid, and possibly lose said gig), WHILE completely at the mercy of my body and it’s cycles. One day I got up at 5 am to make it to a 7 am doctors appointment far from my house because I had an 8 hour presentation another hour from there that started at 9 am. I was late, but they didn’t fire me. Whew.

The first round didn’t get all the way off the ground because of the fibroid that was still there was in the way. Cue another hectic month of extra hormones. Finally, after several months, we had done it. Me, and my team of friends, donors and experts had created a Grade A embryo, hooray!

hooray

Sadly, my hooray was short lived. That perfect embryo didn’t stick around in my womb.

 

Hear that? That’s the silence of defeat. Here I’d done everything right, and yet, no success.

I came to tell you about what happened today, but the telling of what came before has left me bereft.

Next time.

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