I spent some time crying tonight. It started with this ice skating video – I can’t even tell you why. Then I started thinking about my neighbors listening to me cry, which slowed me down. I was thinking about MM, too, and how he’d feel to see me sobbing. Hopefully, the sobbing will end before he moves in.
I believe that crying is good for me, for people in general, but I also know that people mostly don’t know what to do with it, and it makes them uncomfortable. Especially because people often want to point out what you do have when you are mourning what you don’t. I know my life is good, great, even, in a lot of ways. I recognize that. And yet.
I went to NY a few weeks ago and had a fabulous, miraculous procedure that gave me my first positive pregnancy test – YAY!!! And a week later, yet another negative pregnancy test – boo. The difference between this time and the last time was that this time I felt so sure, so certain that this was it, that I told people. I mean, last time I told people too, but only my inner circle people. This time, I was like, this is so taken care of! I’m totally pregnant! And I told people at work, and people who were also pregnant, and fuck. Now I have to tell these random people that I am not. Suddenly I remembered why people who are trying in this way WAIT to tell people until they have a heartbeat or something like that.
It’s hard enough not to be pregnant, especially when you’ve wanted it your whole life, but to then be judged by random people, and to have them tell you, “Maybe it just isn’t meant to be” or “I guess you’ll stop trying now, right?” or “maybe it’s for the best – imagine how old you’d be when they are in high school” (not even kidding, someone said that to me) is crazily painful.
I know, in my frontal lobe, I do know that my worth etc. is not based on some other person’s judgement of me. I know I don’t need these random people’s approval (because my actual people are totally supportive, even the ones who don’t want kids themselves). I know that most of them are acting from some weirdly reasoned “good place.” But in that moment of extreme vulnerability, my defenses are all down, and I forget all that. In those moments, I kinda wished I hadn’t retired the Shredder part of my personality, so that I could just beat these people to a pulp (I’m sure Shredder would feel better, anyway). But I did retire her, and when I called her up off the bench last week, she gave me the finger. So I just turned and walked away from that twit who told me maybe I should lose weight before trying again.
It’s always darkest before the dawn? Who said that? Is it even true? If it is, the sun must be about to pop up, my friend, because it’s hella dark around here.